As an alternative to weekly, ongoing couples therapy, I offer couples intensives where several months of weekly therapy is compressed into a two-day format. There are many advantages to this format, especially when couples are highly motivated to make changes to improve their relationship. A Couples Intensive (2-day retreat) is recommended to streamline change in each individual and to ensure long-lasting change for the couple. This can often save both time and money. Couples can do deeper emotional work in a compressed period of time. Sometimes, this momentum can be lost in a 90-minute session format with a whole week between sessions.
Following an Intensive I follow up in one to two months to check in and see if the issues and dynamics they worked on in the Intensive are still manifesting in the ongoing relationship. We do a follow-up session, and as another option, if necessary, we can also meet on a weekly basis following an Intensive.
FORMAT: The format of the Intensive is as follows:
Day 1 (9:00am to 4:30pm with an hour and 15 minutes for lunch) is more psycho-educational (didactic/teaching), with the couple learning about how the brain works and how to manage heightened emotional states that may have limited productive discussions over the course of the relationship. I also teach a foundational way of communicating with each partner, learning a specific role for being a clear, non-blaming initiator of a topic for discussion. The other role is, of course, the ‘listener’ or ‘inquirer.’ In this role you will learn how to listen non-defensively, setting your own emotions to the side temporarily, and becoming exquisitely interested in your partner’s inner emotional world and what they feel about the topic under discussion. The Inquirer functions rather like an investigative journalist, asking questions and staying curious about what their partner has to say. Although this may sound rather fundamental – most people in the business world have had classes in ‘active listening,’ knowing the tools and actually using them with someone significant to you personally is easier said than done.
Part of Day 1 is learning self-soothing techniques (to calm the ‘red alert’ primitive brain) and thus becoming able to ‘hold steady’ in the face of rising emotional reactivity. When we are able to stay curious about OUR PARTNER’S emotional experience they can have the experience of feeling heard and understood, which has a soothing/relieving effect on them and can lead to feelings of safety and emotional closeness. They are no longer on ‘red-alert’ feeling judged or misunderstood in some way. And they have not been given advice, which, if offered too soon in the conversation, can leave them feeling they have not been heard or validated. The experience of our partner validating our feelings is something couples often yearn for. By the end of Day 1, participants will begin putting the initiating and inquiring tools they have learned into practice in a structured and coached dialogue.
Day 2 consists of more practice learning to discuss topics that have been difficult to examine or to articulate up to this point in time.
PREPARATION: Before the Intensive, you will be sent multiple questionnaires to be filled out and returned at least 2 weeks before the Intensive is scheduled. Because the assessment format is extensive, you can participate in an Intensive even if you have not had ongoing couples therapy with the Intensive provider. If you have been working with the provider, it can be advantageous, but it is not necessary in order to make extensive progress in two days.
COUPLES INTENSIVES ARE NOT RECOMMENDED FOR:
1) Couples with a history of domestic violence or physical/emotional abuse;
2) Couples with an active, untreated addiction process going on;
WHO BENEFITS: It has been found that highly motivated couples will benefit most from this format.
COST: The cost is commensurate to 16 hours of couples therapy and seven hours of therapist prep and follow-up time. Participating in an Intensive could actually save money in instigating change that might take many weeks or months in a weekly therapy format.
Dr. Ann Langley 